Recently I wrote a bit about my life with depression. But I only mentioned my anxiety in passing.
For some reason for about a week now my anxiety has been really bad.
I don’t like being left alone with my thoughts. When I am my mind does weird things. I can go from happily watching a TV show to panicking about something completely unrelated and beyond my control in the blink of an eye.
My depression tells me I’m worthless, a failure in every aspect of my life. Then my anxiety starts freaking out about the consequences of those failures.
It’s like being hit with a right hook across the face, then immediately punched in the gut.
I know the fact that I am having frequent panic attacks are a sign that the numbness is going away, which is a sign that the running is helping. But feeling anxious almost all the time really sucks.
In some ways I prefer the deep depression, because when I’m like that I’m too numb for the anxiety to affect me. I’m a failure, but I don’t care.
Feeling nothing seems preferable to this constant on edge near freak out.
This is especially true at night. It is so difficult to relax enough to fall asleep, and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night either already having a panic attack or I start having one almost immediately after waking up. It’s so easy for my mind to wander to places that it shouldn’t, and so difficult to keep it calm and relaxed.
I take melatonin to help fall asleep, but it doesn’t always work, and does nothing to help me stay asleep. I want to take something more powerful, but EJ still wakes up at night sometimes and I tend to be the one to hear him crying. Hubby is a very sound sleeper, so if I were to use prescription sleep aids I’m afraid no one would hear and respond to EJ.
So I fight the darkness and the panic as best I can, sleep less than I should at night, and pray that EJ takes a nap so I can get some sleep in the afternoon.
My mind is not a fun place to be right now.