I Tell Myself That I Am Not Afraid

Between the struggles I had during Friday’s 5k and the bad depression days I had Saturday and Sunday; I was pretty much dreading Sunday night’s run.

Running 20 minutes without any walk breaks just sounded like torture and was literally the last thing I wanted to do. I was terrified. I was sure I was going to be miserable, I was probably going to throw up.

do not want

All I really wanted to do was stuff my face with food and curl up under my blanket with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.


But then Hubby said “you know you’ll feel better after you run”


Damnit. He was right.
So off we went to run for 20 minutes nonstop.

And it wasn’t so bad.
At the 10 minute mark I was ready for a walk break, but I pushed on.

basically, what my legs were saying to me at this point

basically what my legs were saying to me at this point

With about 4:30 left my legs, particularly my knees and quads, were not happy with me.


My legs, to me

But I pushed on.

When there was 1:30 left I could tell I was going to start gagging, but I sipped on my water and kept going.

I made it to the end of the run! I survived! And I’m pleased with myself for that.


I then rewarded myself with a totally unhealthy dinner made up of the leftovers of the comfort foods Hubby bought me on Saturday to help me feel better after everything fell apart that day. Then I curled up on the couch with my favorite blankie and my pint of Ben and Jerry’s.


I really don’t believe in myself as much as I should, and so every time I succeed at a challenging run its a nice little boost to my confidence.

Tonight’s workout starts the beginning of the end. Tonight and Thursday are the last nights of interval running, after that it is nothing but straight running of increasing distances/times.
But after the 5k on Friday and the 20 minute run on Sunday today’s jog 5 min, walk 3 min, jog 8, walk 3, jog 5 sounds like a walk in the park.

It it hard to believe that, including this week, I only have 3 weeks left of C25K, plus a benchmark test at the end.

Since we don’t run our first official 5k until January we are trying to decide what to do for training when we finish. It’s split between starting the 10k training program and repeating C25K to improve our times. I guess some of that will depend on how our benchmark test goes.
What do you think, should we repeat the 5k training, or get started on 10k? Leave your thoughts in the comments!



Week 5, Day 3  Stats 10/19/2014

Distance: 2.09 miles

Time: 33 minutes 29 seconds

Average Pace: 16 minutes 24 seconds per mile

Motivation: 1

Emotion: 2


16 thoughts on “I Tell Myself That I Am Not Afraid

  1. Great job! I just finished Week 6 Day 1 today after the dreaded 20 minute run last week. In my experience with the 20 minute run, the last 5 minutes were easier than the first 5 for some reason. I also wanted to give up half way through..but I pushed.

    My stomach started feeling on fire, but I pushed on.

    We can do it!

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s interesting that you struggle more in the beginning, you must get a really good “second wind” near the end.

      We CAN do this! I’m glad we can encourage and commiserate with each other. Just a few more weeks until the end!


  2. I don’t know how that happened. Just 6 weeks ago I thought this body would never run. lol!

    A few more weeks and then I’m training to run 10k. I’m really not doing this for races, but I may start racing next fall. I’m doing this more for health and running leisurely.

    Liked by 1 person

    • For me it’s a bit of both. I’m running to be healthy (and as treatment for my depression & anxiety), but the idea of having shiny finishers medals hanging on my wall as a symbol of my accomplishments is part of what keeps me motivated to stick with my training (I ran a “benchmark” 5k on Friday as part of a small charity run right by my house, and I’ve been proudly wearing my race shirt since then) For me running races isn’t about where I place or what my time is. It’s about finishing, feeling acomplished, and having a good time (which is why I plan to run a bunch of Disney races). Plus it makes for a great excuse to go places. I mean, I probably wouldn’t convince Hubby just to up and take a trip to, for example, Key West (we have Disney World annual passes and it is still a challenge to convince him to go there for a weekend) just for the heck of it, but he’s more willing to spend the money and take the trip for something productive like a race.


    • 6 weeks ago I dreaded the idea of walking a mile to the grocery store, so the fact that I now close to running 3+ miles for fun is mind blowing!
      Remember how hard running for 60-90 seconds was? And now we just did 20 minutes! Unreal!


  3. I hadn’t run twenty feet in twenty years. I got fat. And I was always depressed. Then I got a Border Collie who needed lots of exercise, so I took him to the off-leash dog park and let him run around. I would walk the perimeter. Then walk it again. Next visit I tried running a hundred feet of it. Then more. Then all the way around (1/4 mile, I think). Then I would go around twice. And so on. When I ran the perimeter 10 times in one session, I decided to go out on the road. I started running short distances and slow paces. Within 6 months I had entered my first 5K and was astonished that I could do it. Then I signed up for another. Soon I was doing a few 10Ks (still very slow pace). And I vowed that in the next year (2013) I would run a half marathon, which I did. It was hard, but I had a wingman who pulled me through it. So my next personal challenge was to run a full marathon in 2014. I just did that two weeks ago in Portland with my son as wingman. It was horrible and wonderful. I walked maybe a third of it because my knees gave out at mile 4 (only 22.2 miles left to run!). Now I’ve vowed to run at least one marathon a year, and I think I’m going to do it.

    I don’t know if the running helps with my constant sadness. Certainly WHEN I’m running I have too much “agony” to manage to indulge in my depression. And even my bad runs are better than not having run. But the sadness is always waiting for my return, and even the euphoria of completing that marathon didn’t last long. I suppose I am more fit and healthy than I was 5 years ago (lost 140 pounds), but I’m still mostly drained emotionally, and I can’t figure out why. I guess I would be in an even darker place if I weren’t running.


    • I’m not a medical professional, so everything I’m about to say is speculation on my part just based on my personal experiences and some research.
      First of all congrats on running the marathon! Training & participating in something like that isn’t easy.
      I would say that the fact you are able to get yourself to go running consistently is a good sign. Before I started running it was difficult to get myself out of bed some days, and sometimes it still is.
      I know what you mean about the sadness waiting.
      I’ve been doing this for a month and a half and if you were to graph my emotional scores you’d probably see little to no improvement.
      In the research I’ve done (which I discuss in this post https://runningheartless.wordpress.com/2014/10/10/running-and-depression/) after 16 week of running 30 minutes 6 days a week (or running 60 minutes 3 days) depression had eased in all test groups and 60% of the participants could be classified as no longer having depression.
      Now, there are other things that can effect your depression, like stress or triggers. I found my depression was worse when I was in a certain living situation, and improved (but didnt go away) when that situation changed and I was no longer living with the people triggering the depression. Same was true when I am under a lot of stress.
      So I would take a look at your life and see if you can identify any triggers. If you can’t identify anything, you might want to talk to a mental health specalist to help figure out if there is anything you can change in your life to help improve your depression, whether it’s diet or environment changes, or medication.
      Good luck with your continued training, and I hope you can find a treatment that works for you & improves your depression.


    • Wow..great job on such a big accomplishment. I’ve heard many things that suggest running/working out does help with depression, but I cannot be so sure.

      I seem happier, but I’m not everyone else.

      Great job on the weight loss and I hope you can conquer your depression.


      • I think the key is to remember mental health issues are very personal, and by that I mean each person experiences it differently, so while a treatment like running may work for a lot of people, that does not mean it will be perfectly effective for any one given person.

        Liked by 1 person

    • BBB says:

      How is your spiritual life? Physical excersize is great for our bodies. What do we do with our mind, will and emotions when not physically active. The answer to this is to begin to resolve that thing that keeps coming back and dragging us into the darkness. Riddle: who said- “When you diligently seek me with all your heart you will find me.”


      • I can tell you, as a deeply religious and spiritual person that Clinical Depression is a serious medical condition and that while prayer/spirituality can help, it is no replacement for medical treatment (which in my case consists of an exercise routine).
        It’s kind if like saying you can cure cancer with nothing but prayer. In theory such a miracle can happen, but in practicality the emphasis needs to be on actual medical treatment.


  4. WalkToRio says:

    Good for you for pushing it all the way through.
    I can’t wait for they to bring that B&J ice cream here. I love caramel, but the only one I can find here is Fairly Nuts.
    I’d say you wait to see how you feel at the end of the C25K program and take it from there, if you are feeling fine, jump to 10.

    Liked by 1 person

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