So, I guess I’m starting to feel better today. I don’t feel like the world is crushing down on me while my life crumbles around me.
In fact, I don’t feel much of anything. If anything I feel emptiness. It’s sort of a combination of numbness and a void. I’m so emotionally (and physically) spent that I’ve more or less shut down, but I still feel exhausted from trying to deal with all these emotions.
But as long as life doesn’t throw me another curveball today, I should be fine.
Despite the nice weather, I’m keeping EJ inside today. I’m too exhausted to try to keep him in our yard when he wants to go find the neighborhood kids (which usually involves me chasing him all through the neighborhood as well as him trying to cross the street, and of course he doesn’t yet understand the concept of cars and looking both ways) and unless they are giving me food or keeping an eye on EJ for me, I don’t really want to interact with the neighbors today.
I just want a nice quiet day today to recover and recharge.
Thankfully tomorrow is Hubby’s more or less day off (he only works 5-9pm) so I’ll have an easy day tomorrow if I can just get through today.
I worked on a blog post last night, which I will probably post later today or tomorrow. While it wasn’t about the things that triggered me this week, it is in part about a rather sore subject. I had a good cry while writing it which was extremely cathartic, even though i wasn’t crying about what really bothered me the emotional release is part of what helped me turn the tide in my current battle with the darkness.
I have a weird relationship with crying, but I blame it on the emotional imbalance.
When I most need to cry, I usually can’t (at somepoint in my early childhood I convinced myself that crying was a sign of weakness, so I pulled an Elsa “conceal don’t feel” which is probably part of why I’m so emotionally imbalanced now), but I’ll cry at every sappy stupid feel good video on YouTube. I even cry during the effing parades & shows at Disney World. I don’t even know why that happens, but I get excited and for some reason my body decides the proper response is to get all choked up. It’s embarrassing and I hate it.
So that is where I’m at right now. I’m probably not going to go for a run tonight, but at least the weather looks good for tomorrow.