So, I guess I’m starting to feel better today. I don’t feel like the world is crushing down on me while my life crumbles around me.
In fact, I don’t feel much of anything. If anything I feel emptiness. It’s sort of a combination of numbness and a void. I’m so emotionally (and physically) spent that I’ve more or less shut down, but I still feel exhausted from trying to deal with all these emotions.
But as long as life doesn’t throw me another curveball today, I should be fine.
Despite the nice weather, I’m keeping EJ inside today. I’m too exhausted to try to keep him in our yard when he wants to go find the neighborhood kids (which usually involves me chasing him all through the neighborhood as well as him trying to cross the street, and of course he doesn’t yet understand the concept of cars and looking both ways) and unless they are giving me food or keeping an eye on EJ for me, I don’t really want to interact with the neighbors today.
I just want a nice quiet day today to recover and recharge.
Thankfully tomorrow is Hubby’s more or less day off (he only works 5-9pm) so I’ll have an easy day tomorrow if I can just get through today.
I worked on a blog post last night, which I will probably post later today or tomorrow. While it wasn’t about the things that triggered me this week, it is in part about a rather sore subject. I had a good cry while writing it which was extremely cathartic, even though i wasn’t crying about what really bothered me the emotional release is part of what helped me turn the tide in my current battle with the darkness.
I have a weird relationship with crying, but I blame it on the emotional imbalance.
When I most need to cry, I usually can’t (at somepoint in my early childhood I convinced myself that crying was a sign of weakness, so I pulled an Elsa “conceal don’t feel” which is probably part of why I’m so emotionally imbalanced now), but I’ll cry at every sappy stupid feel good video on YouTube. I even cry during the effing parades & shows at Disney World. I don’t even know why that happens, but I get excited and for some reason my body decides the proper response is to get all choked up. It’s embarrassing and I hate it.
So that is where I’m at right now. I’m probably not going to go for a run tonight, but at least the weather looks good for tomorrow.
Running Heartless 
I’m trying out my new mantra today. I had a nap (because nothing else seemed worth the trouble). Now I’m going out for a run. It’s cold (30 degrees), but not too windy. Not sure how far I’ll go, and I’ll probably call my wife for a ride home. I’m not sure if I’m looking toward tomorrow with dread or eagerness. Since I’m running today, I probably won’t tomorrow. So that will give me a whole day to fill. Or to mope about. More napping perhaps. Can’t get the gumption to do anything else lately.
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Try not to sleep too much. 30 minutes to an hour should be plenty. I find unless I was up all night more than that doesn’t help and actually can make me feel worse.
But I hope it helps you!
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Back from my run in the snow. 4.5 miles. Okay. Sometimes (this is one of them), a good run seems to reset my gloom meter. I feel okay right now. Haven’t felt just okay in a long time.
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That is good! It’s a step in the right direction. Perhaps you should do short runs more frequently (the Harvard study on running to help depression had participants running 30 minutes 6 days a week or an hour 3 days a week. Perhaps you should try the shorter runs more frequently)
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I stress cry, but since I am always under stress I always cry. It’s pitiful (me, not you). I am sorry you had that emotional release when writing, but then again it may not e a bad thing. (((Hugs))) to you and glad today was a little better.
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Yeah, the emotional release will make more sense when I publish the post (at this point that will probably happen tomorrow). It was a good thing and I was lucky enough to be alone when it happened, so I was just able to let it out without having to talk to anyone about it. I really think that release is what allowed me to move past the heavy darkness. I have a feeling after a good rest tomorrow I’ll feel like my normal self by Monday.
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I’m not much of a crier either but, like you, my eyes will start doing that leaking thing for things that don’t seem that important. I guess the pressure builds up and then releases itself when my guard is down, which is kind of embarrassing but you’ve got to let it out somehow, right?
I hope you have a better day today and that you get a good run in – running helps in so many ways! 🙂
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I think some of it for me is also that I’ve gone so long being emotionally numb that my body is like “she’s feeling happy/excited/etc how do we express that? Well, crying is an emotional expression, I guess we will go with that”
Thanks for the well wishes. I am starting to feel better. I hope I have a good run today too.
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