I’ve got 3 recap posts sitting in my drafts that I need to finish, but I just haven’t been able to do it.
My anxiety has been trying to get the best of me this week, which has resulted in my concentration being shot.
The trigger this time: I have a job interview tomorrow.
Theoretically I’m not really nervous about the interview itself, I had a great conversation with the director of the department I’ll be working in; and she specifically asked that my application be given priority.
After that conversation I was so excited, it sounds like a great opportunity, and God knows we need the money.
But my brain has other ideas.
Now I’m worried about everything:
I’ve never had a full time job, what if I can’t handle it?
What if I get put in the midnight-8 am shift, I’ll never see my family.
If I get this job it will throw off my school and running plans for 2015/16
I’ve not had a job in almost 3 years what if I can’t handle the transition back into the workforce?
What am I doing trying to work at a mental health clinic when I’m barely managing my own mental health?
Do I even really want to be back in the workforce, or do I want to stay a SAHM and try to pick up work from home income?
What if I don’t get offered the job?
What if I do get offered the job?
All of this started when I got the call for the interview. While the department director was totally sympathetic to my situation as a SAHM looking for work to help support the family while Hubby is a full time student on top of working full time, the lady from HR scheduling the appointment was less than understanding to the fact that I don’t have a ton of short notice availability, especially for mornings. She said “I’ll be frank, when we have this much trouble scheduling an interview it is usually an indication that we will have trouble scheduling shifts too.”
It took everything in me not to say “look, I applied to work night shifts, wouldn’t it stand to reason that my availability is later in the day. Of course mornings problematic for my availability.” Instead I made some excuse about how in Early December AMIL is moving in to take care of EJ and Hubby is almost done with school, so it won’t be a problem if I get hired as I will have open availability if I get the job. I just don’t have it now.
So I think that conversation started the nervousness.
Now it is to the point that any mention of the interview will trigger panic. Even seeing the icon on my phone for the alarm I have set to wake me up has been triggering me.
I’m a mess.
Right now at this very moment I feel like I don’t want this job and I should just cancel the interview. But it’s impossible to tell if that is how I really feel or if it is just the anxiety and depression talking.
I’ll likely still go tomorrow just to keep Hubby happy. But right now I’m secretly hoping I don’t get offered the job…and yet I’m still terrified that I’m going to flub it tomorrow.
I just don’t even know.
I’m such a mess today.