Inside My Head is Not a Fun Place to Be

I’ve got 3 recap posts sitting in my drafts that I need to finish, but I just haven’t been able to do it.

My anxiety has been trying to get the best of me this week, which has resulted in my concentration being shot.

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Me this week

The trigger this time: I have a job interview tomorrow.

Theoretically I’m not really nervous about the interview itself, I had a great conversation with the director of the department I’ll be working in; and she specifically asked that my application be given priority.

After that conversation I was so excited, it sounds like a great opportunity, and God knows we need the money.

But my brain has other ideas.

Now I’m worried about everything:

I’ve never had a full time job, what if I can’t handle it?

What if I get put in the midnight-8 am shift, I’ll never see my family.

If I get this job it will throw off my school and running plans for 2015/16

I’ve not had a job in almost 3 years what if I can’t handle the transition back into the workforce?

What am I doing trying to work at a mental health clinic when I’m barely managing my own mental health?

Do I even really want to be back in the workforce, or do I want to stay a SAHM and try to pick up work from home income?

What if I don’t get offered the job?

What if I do get offered the job?

All of this started when I got the call for the interview. While the department director was totally sympathetic to my situation as a SAHM looking for work to help support the family while Hubby is a full time student on top of working full time, the lady from HR scheduling the appointment was less than understanding to the fact that I don’t have a ton of short notice availability, especially for mornings. She said “I’ll be frank, when we have this much trouble scheduling an interview it is usually an indication that we will have trouble scheduling shifts too.”
It took everything in me not to say “look, I applied to work night shifts, wouldn’t it stand to reason that my availability is later in the day. Of course mornings problematic for my availability.” Instead I made some excuse about how in Early December AMIL is moving in to take care of EJ and Hubby is almost done with school, so it won’t be a problem if I get hired as I will have open availability if I get the job. I just don’t have it now.

So I think that conversation started the nervousness.

Now it is to the point that any mention of the interview will trigger panic. Even seeing the icon on my phone for the alarm I have set to wake me up has been triggering me.

I’m a mess.

Right now at this very moment I feel like I don’t want this job and I should just cancel the interview. But it’s impossible to tell if that is how I really feel or if it is just the anxiety and depression talking.

I’ll likely still go tomorrow just to keep Hubby happy. But right now I’m secretly hoping I don’t get offered the job…and yet I’m still terrified that I’m going to flub it tomorrow.

I just don’t even know.

I’m such a mess today.

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9 thoughts on “Inside My Head is Not a Fun Place to Be

  1. You can let fear keep you where you are; or you can scroonch up your face, walk WITH the fear (don’t even TRY to ignore it) and do something that’s going to make your life better.

    They say money doesn’t buy happiness, but it sure does buy food! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. If it doesn’t work out (getting or wanting or keeping it) it’s still NOT going to be your only opportunity. I’m currently in my NINTH full-time job since college (one only lasted 2 months), and that doesn’t count the part-time stuff I did as well. There are plenty of chances ahead of you. Chances for better hours or better pay or better circumstances or a better fit.

    I’m sure the calm, reasonable part of your mind already knows this. And I don’t mean to discount your anxiety. But this is NOT your one, single, only chance.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know it’s not my only chance, but I’m feeling a lot of pressure to have an income because of our financial situation. And 2 weeks ago I felt like this opportunity was a god send. Now I don’t even want it, but I feel like I need to have it just to make Hubby happy.
      And he feel like I need to have some time to get out on my own, but right now the only way that can happen is if I’m working. But I feel what I really need is to have some time to just be stress free, which a job won’t give me.

      Like

  3. Sorry you’re feeling so anxious. To me those all sound like valid concerns (certainly things I would also be worried about). Maybe once you get to the interview you could address some of them and see how things go? If they have prioritised you it must be they want you so hopefully they might be willing to be a bit more flexible than it seems now? It might turn out better than you think but if it doesn’t, as you say, you don’t have to take the job (although I know you feel like you need to). Sending you positive thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Personally I can’t even think about having a full-time and needing to send my son to daycare without having a panic attack and starting to cry like a baby. I’m just way too scared to have my son be taken care off by a stranger, but I will eventually need to have a full-time job if we want to buy a house someday and have a second baby. So I know how you feel, momma! Be strong and take it a day at a time. Wait to see what happens during the interview, if you get the job or not you’ll figure everything out afterwards.

    Like

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